Inside the dim lights of the recording studio, Ryo took off his headphones. Outside the panel of the glass, Kame was nodding his head to whatever Shingo was telling him. When Ryo finally caught his gaze, it was as though Kame had armed and prepared himself for that moment. And with a single stare, he brushed aside Ryo’s entreaty as though he was irrelevant to his pain. Ryo knew there was no justification for what happened yesterday night. It had been so long since he was genuinely wanted or needed, that Kame’s presence had jettisoned himself into the centre of a storm, with all the dust and mess of the world swirling around him. It made him afraid to know that he was somehow equally dependent on Kame, to know that some part of his recent happiness was because of Kame’s proximity. As he exited the recording studio, Kame fell into step beside him but this time, there was an empty void of space separating them, and no songs, no melody could bridge that.

He watched Kame walk ahead of him. He half-expected Kame to fall apart in front of him, to somehow break down in the middle of the parking lot, but he remained strangely intact as though yesterday didn’t happen. And the only person he ended up breaking was himself as he found himself gauging every slight nuance of Kame’s expression.

“Kame let me drive today.” There was a slight impatience in those eyes before he tossed the keys at him, walking over to the passenger side of the car. The silence stretched between them, Ryo didn’t offer to switch on the radio and Kame didn’t ask. Kame simply held onto the seat belt as though it was some sort of safety harness that could protect him from all the things that had happened. His head was tilted towards the window, eyes trained on some invisible spot and he looked as though he had gone somewhere else. Anywhere but here, someplace where he was safe from people like him. Now he was probably right alongside Koizumi, people Kame had taken one last look at before he turned away. When the scenery changed from the concrete of the city to the pockets of green before them, Ryo could tell that Kame panicked. His fingers tightened around the strap of his seat belt and he looked as though he was swallowed up by all that leather. When Ryo steered the car inside one of the narrow roads, Kame’s gaze flitted to him before he turned away again. The gravel crunched beneath the wheels and the car slowed to a stop.

“Kame, I don’t know why but someone caring for me? It scares me…it didn’t used to be like this..”

“Don’t try to cheapen everything Ryo. Don’t try to offer your past as some kind of apology for what you did. And the worst part is you bringing me here to hold me hostage so that I can listen to you. So that you can feel better.”

The truth in those words stung like a slap. And Ryo felt that he was turned inside out, that Kame had tumbled all those frayed feelings out of him, and anyone looking at him could see his thoughts. So much for him trying to remain inert and untouchable. That vulnerability was like a foreign thing, thrumming in his veins, dying to make itself known. And when Ryo didn’t deny those words, Kame looked at him with lips slightly parted, tears shielded behind those eyes as though he was floundering with that final betrayal. When those tears spilled, he looked so beautiful and lost that it hurt like a handful of broken glass against his heart. Kame lowered his head, frantically grappling with the buckle of his seat belt, and what he had held as his safety harness was now a trap pinning him in his seat as he struggled with it, yanking it hard. The discordant sound of his sobs reached him and Ryo finally leaned over, undoing the seat belt for him before he cradled his hand in his.

“I don’t wanna listen to you. Not your fucking sob story, not your reasons or excuses.” Kame reached for the door handle, turning away from Ryo’s touch and Ryo finally lowered his hand. 

“I won’t tell you anything you don’t want to hear Kame. And I wasn’t bartering my past for your forgiveness.” Ryo’s hand fell to his side, the urge to smooth Kame’s cheek too strong as he watch the calm inch its way back into those eyes.  

“And you’re wrong. I don’t want you to forgive me. The fact that you hate me, it makes me feel better.” Ryo closed his fingers around the steering wheel and he figured if he couldn’t accept Kame’s love, then he could very well deal with this anger and hatred that he had done everything to invite. He drove smoothly along the highway, trees, houses and sidewalk whirring by. He was free, just that he hadn’t expected ‘free’ to hurt so much.

~*~

Ryo swerved his car onto the side of the road. “I’m getting some coffee. I’ll send you back later.” Ryo’s eyes were heavy with asking permission and Kame didn’t bother to deign him with a reply. He left the engine running and from the safety of the car, he let his eyes linger on Ryo, his trademark brisk ambling walk with his shades low on the bridge of his nose.

The beginning of a headache began to bloom in him, and he rested his fingertips against the glass window. He thought of Koizumi, how he had fought for her in the beginning, until he received her wedding invitation in the mail. It was the final blow meant to make him give up and after that it was easy enough to convince himself. It was as though he had stopped at an invisible barrier and he had stood there, watching her figure getting smaller and smaller in the distance. His whole life, it was as though people accompanied him on a certain part of the journey before they decided his presence was no longer needed or convenient. And he would watch them disappear, sometimes he stood there, his goodbye not yet articulated, wondering whether they would turn back and see him there. Hoping for a farewell, hoping for some words of guilt and apology they wouldn’t have meant. Ryo had thought he was so stubborn, so certain in his conviction. Frankly, he had always thought he gave up too easily. The only reason he hadn’t given up on Ryo was because despite all the brusque warnings, it was as though Ryo had been intentionally slowing his steps so he could catch up with him. And it seemed even that, the last hope he had been clinging onto, was exposed as an illusion. He swallowed his grudge and his pain. Just as well. He didn’t need to quicken his steps to catch up with Ryo anymore.

His mind drifted, watching the pedestrians outside walking under the afternoon sun. It was so bright it hurt his eyes. And he looked absently in the direction of Starbucks. Ryo was taking a long time, and he knew he should have offered to buy it. Finally he turned the ignition off and walked into Starbucks. Ryo was standing there in the queue, trying to appear as inconspicuous as possible. Not working. He saw some of the girls darting surreptitious glances in his direction, their laptops and school work forgotten. 

“What were you thinking?” Kame stood beside Ryo and hissed at him. Kame pulled him towards the counter, right past the people in front of them.

“Place your order and get out of here before you attract more onlookers alright?” Ryo took off his shades and both of them stood there, beside each other, pretending to look at the all the different kinds of overpriced coffee available. Their elbows bumped against each other and they were granted some faux normalcy, even as Kame could hear the whispers behind his back. Ryo’s fingers drummed against the countertop and if he wasn’t feeling so disconcerted himself, he would have find it amusing that Ryo didn’t seem to like the attention. Then Kame heard the sudden clicking of a shutter before he heard the expletive from Ryo’s lips. Obviously someone had informed the paps and the only person holding their line of offense was a flustered barista.

“Can we go by the back door?”

Ryo put on his shades, the coffee forgotten in his hands.

“They’re probably back there too. Call Shingo.” Ryo sat down on one of the chairs with resignation, trying to ignore the errant screams from overexcited fangirls and the blinding flashes of the cameras. Kame sat on the other chair, waiting for security to come. The irony of the situation was not lost on Kame. Just an hour ago, he didn’t even want to be anywhere near Ryo and now they were trapped here, feeling like some kind of exhibit in a fucking enclosure.

When the security arrived and managed to part the crowd outside, Ryo reached over and held his wrist in his hand. The delicacy of the situation was diffused by all the chaos and Kame thought he should be the one to brave the crowd first. His protest was swallowed by the noise outside as Ryo opened the door. Ryo’s hand reached back, just resting on his waist, as though to ensure himself that Kame was following behind him. And Kame thought he hadn’t faced anything so scary in his life before. So many people closing in on him and he didn’t even try to raise his head up to see where he was going. All he felt was Ryo’s hand guiding him forward and he followed. Suddenly, there was a jostle and someone barged into his side, and the blunt edge of an object knocked against his forehead. Kame winced and pressed his hand against his forehead. He almost thought his legs were going to give way before he reached the car door. Ryo stood behind him, his body shadowing his, and they finally got inside the car.

He was so grateful for the silence that he didn’t realize he had lowered his head to his knees. He felt Ryo’s hand sculpting the curve of his nape, the hesitant touch of those fingertips that wasn’t quite intrusive. Kame tried to shrug off his touch but it was a feeble attempt and Ryo simply threaded those fingers through the loose ends of his hair, slow, comforting touches. Maybe it was the headache but Kame felt like he was derailing right off the edge. And it seemed he was always the one chasing and Ryo running that he wasn’t quite sure of how to deal with Ryo taking the initiative this time. The connection lay between them, unbroken and Ryo cradled his head upwards. He could feel Ryo’s breath on his skin, and those fingers touching his forehead idly, lightly.

“Owww.” Kame brushed Ryo’s fingers away and he rested his head against his palm.

“You got a bruise there. Dammit Kame, stop pressing your hand against your forehead.” He wondered whether Ryo knew how devastating that concern in his voice was. And whether he knew that his tenderness was causing him more headache and pain than that crazy humming sound in his head. Finally he closed his eyes, resting back against the seat.

“The bruise wouldn’t have been there, if you weren’t so stupid.” Kame muttered. Behind the darkness of his closed eyes, he was aware of being watched. The gentle awareness that began and intensified in the back of his mind. When he was nearing sleep, he thought he felt Ryo place his drooping head on his shoulder. His eyelids fluttered and he thought he should just blame everything on that bruise. But deep down inside, he was glad that Ryo hadn’t walked that far away and that this time he didn’t have to stray from his original position at all. Somehow unlike all the others in front of him, Ryo had been the one to turn back and close the distance between them before Kame could say his final farewell.