Uchi shrugged off his jacket and flung it over the sofa as he sat down on the cluttered sofa and propped his legs up on the coffee table. He was tired. It was only coming face to face with Nishikido that he realized someone like him who was exposed daily to the atrocities men could commit in the name of jealousy, greed and love could still be shaken. Fuck, those macabre crimes were his livelihood and he hadn’t been ashamed, hadn’t felt guilt when he exploited the average person’s emotions because that was his job, that was what he did well.

That was until he saw Nishikido, and he had been so different from what he expected. And maybe if his sister hadn't died, he would have been the poster boy on the recruiting posters for the Tokyo Police. Successful career, good looks, and probably a family too. Instead today he witnessed the far-reaching damage of a serial killer who was long thrown into the gallows, and that the sheer horror and impact of the memory did not lessen with time.

He had always prided himself on being a perceptive bystander, but now a truly sick feeling hammered itself into his mind like an anvil. He tilted his head against the sofa, fingers carelessly unbuttoning his shirt. If those murderers preyed on fear and helplessness, then what did it make him? Him, who thrived on these very crimes. He might feel sympathetic now, sorry even, but he wouldn’t stop prying, wouldn’t stop chasing after the ghost of a man who had seen too much and was steeped too far to go back. Then he realized belatedly that he was no different, and no better.

~*~

The wipers slapped the rain from the windshield. Nishikido Ryo watched the few pedestrians running for shelter, blending in with the cloaked shadows. Bad day to be outside. Bad day to be at work. Bad day to find a videotape with a macabre message inside waiting for him on his desk. The good thing about serving in the police force was that he had ceased to be affected by the amount of horrid crimes he saw. It was as though once he strapped on his harness and pinned on his badge, the person he was receded into the background. That was the only way not to go crazy, not to wonder why the fuck he was putting himself through such torment, reliving his mistakes day after day.

His apartment was unlisted in the public directory, something that usually only happened to influential politicians. And the only similarity between him and a politician was probably that they had just as many enemies waiting to stick one in them. He climbed the stairs to his apartment on the fourth floor, the sound of his footsteps echoing inside the building. In the past, he made it a point to come home at least thrice a week, because Michiko was home. Back then, he always washed his hands with hand sanitizers especially if they had just been dispatched to a crime scene. He had no wish to let Michiko see his hands, stained with blood, at the dinner table. He couldn’t remember when the last time he used alcoholic wipes on his hands was. It didn’t matter anymore. The blood had probably seeped into the creases of his palm and he was never going to wash it away. And now home was just an empty apartment, haunted with memories and Ryo much preferred to spend the nights in his cramped office. But tonight he came home, maybe because he needed a place to grapple with his demons. He bolted the lock on his door, and checked that the security system was well and working. His apartment wasn’t big but the security system was good. And no doubt most people would say he was paranoid, but in his line of work, one learned to take precautions, especially when your family’s safety was compromised. But his paranoia hadn’t saved Michiko, not when it mattered the most. It hadn’t saved anyone at all.

~*~

He was caught and enmeshed in another dark cloudless dream of his when he was woken up by the jarring noise of his cell vibrating. He flung the covers off him, shrugging into his jacket and retrieving his weapon and badge.

“What?”

“Another tape was found. Yokendo Publishing House.”

When Ryo drove there, the police had already secured the area, the yellow police tape flapping in the wind and the lights of the police siren making it look like a garish stage setting. The officer standing guard at the door was no doubt fresh plucked out of graduate school, and despite the rain battering his uniform, he stood there with all the self-importance of someone given an important task the first time of his short police enforcement career. When Ryo climbed up the steps, he was stopped by a arm held out in front of him.

“Important evidence has been secured here. Police are currently investigating and no trespassers allowed.”

If Ryo wasn’t standing in the downpour, he might have laughed. Not that he was really sure he could, since the rain was irritating his eyes and it had been a long time since he laughed out loud. It had also been a long time since he actually needed to flash his police badge because his notoriety was common knowledge among the Tokyo Crime Division. He suspected their briefing for newcomers actually included a cautionary note about him. He flipped open his badge, and he enjoyed watching the expression of the rookie change from surprise, to sickened and then mortification.

“Sorry Sir. I mean sorry, Detective Inspector”

“You’re just doing your job. Keep it up.” Ryo walked past and patted the officer on his shoulder, and once he got inside, the amusement wore off. When the lift doors opened, he walked out to find Uchi Hiroki sitting in the middle of a messy office, being questioned. Three people including Uchi Hiroki.

“Who found the tape?” His subordinate tilted his head towards Uchi Hiroki, who had a stricken look on his face. He was still wearing the same clothes, except that he had divested of the jacket and without the jacket, he didn’t look anything like the man who had set out to antagonize him this afternoon.

“I’ll take him in.” Ryo gestured towards one of the empty rooms, as he took the tape secured inside a transparent sealed bag. Once inside the room, Ryo locked the door with one hand and then wrapped his other tight around Uchi’s arm and he hauled him close to him.

“Why is it whenever these tapes appear, you always happened to be there too?” He didn’t react to Ryo’s insinuation, didn’t even react to Ryo’s fingers pressing into the flesh of his arm. There was sympathy in those eyes, and sympathy was one thing Ryo couldn’t take. He didn’t need the sympathy, he wasn’t the casualty because somehow he had survived and everyday he woke up wishing he hadn’t.

“Would I need to call an attorney now?” Uchi said in a soft hushed voice and they were standing so close he could feel his breath fan across his cheek. If Uchi Hiroki this afternoon had annoyed him, now he had gotten underneath his skin. Because he looked so ready to obey and so docile that Ryo wondered where all the barbed words had gone to. And some part of him was riled up by the thought that maybe Uchi Hiroki was playing him like a fiddle and he was being taken in by his pretty boy looks.

He cupped Uchi Hiroki’s chin, and he leaned his weight forward, backing him into the wall. “Not yet, but I advise you start talking.” He could see those pupils dilate, and he wondered whether it was because of fear or arousal over the fact that their bodies were flushed against each other. And he felt the rage threatening to spill over because Uchi Hiroki had uncovered the one weakness he didn’t know he owned: lust.

“Are you going to watch the tape?” Uchi Hiroki asked with those wide apprehensive eyes.

“Since when do I answer questions from a civilian?”

“If I were you, I would leave the watching till tomorrow. I would say one macabre tape is enough for today.”

The instincts inside Ryo sharpened. So this was why Uchi Hiroki was so different now, so ready to cooperate, he was trying out a different tact.

“So you’re telling me you went through the contents of the tape before you called the police?”

“Professional habit. How about giving me a reporter’s pass to the police press briefings and I consider leaving those details out from my articles?” These questions went back and forth like a warped kind of flirtation. With every prod, the senses heightened and they became more acutely aware of the body against them, the sensation of the fabric against their skin, and the bare inches that separated their lips.

“You don’t quite give up do you? And I would say it’s a pretty lousy deal.”

“Really?”

Uchi tilted his head back against the wall, looking down at Ryo from half-lidded eyes and he shifted his legs, nudging Ryo right against the junction of his legs.

“I could haul you in for attempted bribery of a government official.” Uchi just stood there, unfazed. Ryo knew he was going to take him up on his offer. But not now. Now he had a job to do.

He stepped away from Uchi and he held up the evidence in his hand.

“So why don’t you start from the beginning?”