The room was barely lit, bathed in orangish glow from the light overhead. Somewhere outside, there was the soft sputtering of a lone motor, the distant guffaws of a drunk but somehow Jin felt that in this small sparse room, there was only him. Him and Kazuya, who was asleep on the left side of his bed, which had always been empty. He leaned upwards on the crook of his elbow, and with his dark jagged lashes resting on his cheeks and his hand resting near his parted lips, Kazuya looked oddly young, as if age hadn’t left its mark on him. He wondered if Kazuya knew, that back then, in the silence of the night, it was the steady rhythmic heartbeat of his that lulled him to sleep, and when sleep eluded him, he would look at Kazuya who looked like a waif-like child who had strayed unknowingly into his bed, and stumbled into his world.

Back then, he had wondered how long it would last, the beautiful ethereal vision that slept beside him every night and woke up with myopic eyes and tousled hair. He resembled a dream he had, a dream he tried desperately to cling onto, and now he realized this dream had lasted for six years before it translated into something more than reality, something he could hold in the bend of his arms and touch with the tip of fingers. He draped the threadbare coverlet over the curve of Kazuya’s shoulder before he closed his eyes. And in his sleep-fogged mind, he distinctly recognized the touch of Kazuya, as he threaded his fingers with his. For the first time, in the darkened cramped rooms of this house, there was a hovering of hope, and the courage to wish for so much more.

 ~*~

The room was dark and the man’s big burly figure was silhouetted against the light from the hallway spilling into the cramped little room. Jin gritted his teeth and braced himself, feigning sleep, feigning ignorance. The man who pretended to be his foster father but  was a monster underneath the façade, the man who visited him every night. Fear paralyzed his thin, gangly body as he shut his eyes, hoping that the monster would go away. It didn’t. He felt the cold, calloused hands on his thighs and he clamped them shut. No, not this time. He felt the pounding inside his heart and the scream of the trapped child reverberating through the walls. The hand had taken down his shorts and he struggled like a possessed person, arms flailing and legs kicking. He shouted, shouted for help which never came, but his breath was cut off by a huge hand. When he felt the hand reaching for the junction of his legs, something in him died, a slow painful death along with all the shattered hopes and dreams lying on the pavement.

Jin’s eyes shot open and he gasped for air. The bedsheets had become tangled in his limbs and his shirt was clinging to his body. He sat up and when he realised there was no monster masquerading as a kind foster parent, he started crying. For the child he was, the things he had unknowingly lost along the way, and the person he had become. And he never knew whether those dreams were real, because he had been so young back then. He only knew that he shrugged away from human touches, that when he saw a kind smile, he wondered at the motives and intentions underneath. And he had forgotten that there was Kazuya, woken up by the sharp creak of the bed.

“Jin?” His soft tentative voice breached the silence and there was a furrow between his brows, so perceptive and so attuned to his every emotion that Jin knew there was no use hiding.

“Kazuya, I…I’m sorry. My life has been this string of nightmares, until you. Kazuya, because you were the only good dream I have. The only good dream I never want to wake up from.” He said, as his arms enveloped Kazuya’s thin frame, his body held flushed against his. And he felt those hands softly untangling the ends of his hair and a feather light kiss on his forehead.

“Then you never have to wake up from this Jin, because I’m not going away.”

And the second time they made love, it was agonizingly slow, almost as though they were trying to savor every touch, every smell, from the clean unperfumed scent of Kazuya’s body and hair to the musky thick arousal that permeated the thin bedsheets. And Kazuya straddled him, a tremulous smile curving his lips, like a child who had discovered something for the first time. And he lowered himself on him, eyes wide and avid, as the hand on his shoulder clenched convulsively, fingers gripping so tight it was almost painful. And in the stillness of the room, he could hear the accelerating cadence of Kazuya’s breathing, and feel that exultation in him as Kazuya started rocking, his body against his. The moist tip of his erection rubbed against his abdomen, like smooth satin on hard silk. A dim glow of light from the headlights of a passing vehicle outside illuminated his face, and all Jin had to do was look at that face, eyes closed in concentration and damp fringe obscuring his eyes, and he bucked his hips into that cocoon warmth. The pleasure washed over him in a scalding wave and he heard the strangled gasp from Kazuya, as his body flexed and clenched around him. When he felt his weight slump down on him, he realized that tonight would be the last night he had to relive those childhood nightmares, that tonight would be the last time he woke up crying. Because now he had Kazuya to wake up to.

 ~*~

When the muted rays of the morning seeped through the blinds, an awkward silence hung between them, almost as though both of them were treading around each other, afraid and cautious. Kame wanted to ask Jin what were the ghosts that invaded his dreams in the silence of the night. And ludicrous as it sounded, he didn’t just want to be the one to hold Jin when he woke up afraid, he wanted to be the one to assuage his fears, and face those demons, his hand clasped in his.

Jin’s eyes darted to his over the room, and Kame could somehow see something inside those eyes, before they swerved away. And for a moment, Kame could feel the anger, the uncertainty biting into him, like shards of broken glasses. Jin didn’t trust him enough, in some part of his mind, he didn’t trust him enough with his tears or his fears. And he had this overpowering impulse to leave before he heard Jin’s voice.

“I’m visiting Makiko later. Do you...wanna go with me?” Jin said abruptly and he could see Kazuya stall near the door, contemplating and wondering whether to take his offer, because it wasn’t just an offer, it was an invitation for him to enter his world, to meet the people who mattered so much to him. It was also a peace offering, because he knew, he knew why Kazuya was oddly silent. Because that episode last night had disturbed him and he hadn’t asked, only because he was afraid of awakening more sleeping secrets and tearing open healed wounds.

Kazuya turned back, his frame leaning against the wall. “Do you want me to?” Kazuya asked, his voice deep and husky and he watched the cacophony of emotions flicker in Jin’s eyes. Before he advanced onto him and those fingers traced the contour of his lip and he saw the first awakening of a smile on Jin’s face, and the man he loved now looked so much like the boy he had fallen in love with so long ago.

“Makiko would love you.” Just four words. And just these four words were enough to dissipate the darkness looming between them.